2011-04-20 美文赏析：女生为什么总是不爽
If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killing the motherfucker, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll they ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practiced your alibi in front of the mirror… you ain’t been in love. And the only thing that stopped you from killing this motherfucker was an episode of CSI.在座的只要有真正爱过的，都可以帮我做见证！假如你没有考虑过要杀人，你就称不上爱过。假如你没有认真想过要杀了那个混帐，你就没真正爱过。假如你没有手里拿着一罐老鼠药，然后盯着罐子看四十五分钟，你就没真正爱过。假如你没有去买过铲子，布袋还有地毯来毁尸灭迹，你就没真正爱过。假如你没有在镜子前练习你不在场证明，你就没真正爱过。而唯一阻止你动手的原因,是你为你看了CSI犯罪现场。
See, relationships are hard. But in order for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to have the same focus…and the focus is all about her，is all about her! Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say,” Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans, fuck everything you thought this life was gonna bring you. Now let’s go out there and try and make this bitch happy.”
没错，男女交往是个难题，如果一段感情要成功男女双方必须有共识，双方焦点要一致。大家都知道那个共识是什么，焦点是什么。 感情要成功，双方焦点就要相同。那么焦点是什么? 那个焦点就是女生！焦点都得在她身上！女生老早就知道这一点了，她们可是在等你跟进呢！男士们，你们一早醒来，应该对着镜中的自己说"去你的！去你的希望，去你的梦想，去你的计划。跟你对人生的所有期望都说再见吧！现在，你只要想办法取悦那个女生就够了！”
Yes. It’s all about her, fellas. Say yes to everything. Everything. Everything you can afford, say yes to. Just say yes. Before she even gets it out of her fucking mouth. “Honey, can…” Yes. “Honey, I…” Yes. Just get a stamp. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
没错！所有焦点都在她身上。面对一切，你都得说好，一切，只要你付得起就说“好“。说“好“就对了，根本不用等她说完。“亲爱的，我想...”“好““亲爱的，我能...”“好”“亲爱的，那个...”“好”……干脆去弄个印章，好！好！好！好！好！好！好！好！
Another thing, fellas – don’t argue. You cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in an argument, it’s impossible. You will not win, cos men… we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cos we have a need to make sense.
另一件事，伙计们，别跟她吵架。你没有胜算。你和女生吵架是吵不赢的，这是完全不可能的！你赢不了的，因为男生对于吵架有先天障碍。因为我们必须讲道理！
Women ain’t gonna let a little thing like sense fuck up they argument. Cos she not in it for sense, she’s in it for distance and irritation. “How long can I talk before this motherfucker snaps?” They want you to shake the shit out of them till you hear the cops coming. “Motherfucker, I’m serious!”“Oh, shit, let me get the fuck outta here.” But here’s one thing nobody tells you. You can’t make a woman happy. It’s impossible. I’ve never met a happy woman in my life. Women are always complaining about something. Women like to complain, women save up shit to complain about. “He don’t even know I know but I’m gonna get his ass on that shit next month.”
女生吵架不会在乎“道理“这种小东西。因为她吵架不是为了“道理”，女生吵架是为了和你保持距离和烦死你。“我要唠叨多久，他才会发飙？”她想逼你动粗，一直到警察来为止。“混帐，我是说真的！”……没错，就像我所说的，你要竭尽所能去取悦她，竭尽所能哦！ 但有一件事你一定不知道，你无法让女人开心！这是完全不可能的，我这辈子还没看见女人开心。她们永远有东西好抱怨，她们还能累积事情，留到以后抱怨。“他还不知道我知道，我下个月再找他算账”。
No matter what you do, she’ll be mad. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, she’ll still complain. “Why’d you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy. Why didn’t you go to Tiffany’s? You’re so fucking cheap.”No matter what you do, your woman is mad at you. If you work all the time, “Why you workall the time? You ain’t never home. You always leavin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you home all the time, “Why you all up under me? Let me get some fucking room to breathe. Damn, stop sweatin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you make more money than her. “Fuck you. I wanna make decisions too. You ain’t my fucking daddy, I don’t need you to take care of me. I hate this shit.” If she makes more money than you,”You broke motherfucker. You never have no fucking money.Fuck this shit. I don’t wanna make all these decisions. I need to be taken care of. I hate this shit. I can’t take it.”
她们超爱抱怨的，她们超爱的。无论你怎么样，她都能不爽。无论怎么样，你的女人都能不爽你！假如你花太多时间工作，“你为什么每次都在工作？你都不在家，你都弃我于不顾，我受够了！”假如你每次都待在家，“你干嘛一直黏着我，让我有点自己的空间！不要一直烦我，我受够了！”假如你收入比她高，“去你的，我也想自己做决定，你又不是我爸，我不需要你来照顾我，我受够了！”假如她收入比你高，“你这个王八穷光蛋，你连一丁点钱都没有，去你的，我不想每次都是自己做决定，我也想被呵护阿，我受够了，我受不了了！”
And the number one reason your woman’s always mad, fellas, the number one reason your woman is pissed the fuck off…cos you ain’t her first choice. Fellas, you ever catch your woman just looking at you but not saying nothing? In her mind, she’s thinking, “How did I end up with this ugly motherfucker? Oh, Lord, this motherfucker’s ugly and stupid. I had a good man and I blew it. Damn, Lord, kill my man. Kill him, please. Kill him while I still look good enough to get something new. Please kill this motherfucker now. Strike him! Strike him! If you out there, Lord, strike this motherfucker dead.”
而女生会生气的首要原因，男士们。女生会怎么不爽的主要原因，因为她原本想要的不是你！男士们，你有没有碰过自己的女人盯着你看，但却一言不发。“我怎么会落得跟这个丑八怪在一起？老天爷，这家伙又丑又笨，我之前有过好对象，但我却搞砸了。拜托您杀了他吧，趁我年轻貌美可以找新男人，杀了他吧！请您杀了这混蛋，快，劈死他，劈死他！假如您存在的话，快劈死这混帐东西吧！”
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