Sylvia_scj

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot can speak four languages." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do the same thing the other parrot can do plus it is good at mathematics. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, the customer asks, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss."

parrot: 鹦鹉

perch: 栖木，杆

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Sylvia_scj

A 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers.
Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
"What took you so long, son?" he asked.
"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."
"How?"
"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at six o'clock."

wait on: 招待

get around to: 抽出时间(做某事)

get even with sb. 与某人扯平, 向某人报复

alarm clock: 闹钟

What a naughty boy!

Sylvia_scj

On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model. Sal asked the owner, "Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?"

"Look, Fella," replied the owner, "I don't care what you do with it after you buy it."

general store: 综合商店

disposable: 一次性的；用后即可丢弃的

The store owner was so cool.

Sylvia_scj

In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store.   

We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to cut short our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision.   

Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working part-time as a waitress.   

As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, "HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!"  

shower: 淋浴；淋浴器

cut short: 打断

The man must have been very embarrassed.

Sylvia_scj

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.
       The old man replied, "Nope."
        So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
       The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

overalls: 工装裤

snarl: 吠, 咆哮

flail: 用力或胡乱地移动；左右（或上下）摆动

The old man was ruthless.

Sylvia_scj

A Sunday School helper was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Sunday School: 主日学校, 星期日学校(指星期日对儿童进行宗教教育的学校)

station wagon: 旅行车

fire truck: 救火车

fire hydrant: 消防栓, 消防龙头

Kids would always say something beyond our imagination.

[ 本帖最后由 Sylvia_scj 于 2008-4-20 01:01 AM 编辑 ]

Sylvia_scj

Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time and headed straight for Space Mountain.
I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice.
The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain.
As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.
"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.
She replied, "This year, I can read the big words."

roller coaster: 翻滚过山车, 云霄飞车

What an adorable little girl!  

Sylvia_scj

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.
After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a redneck!"
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."

redneck: 乡下人

Have you got it?  
'Denise' is pronounced exactly the same as ' DeNiece'.

[ 本帖最后由 Sylvia_scj 于 2008-4-25 12:22 AM 编辑 ]

Sylvia_scj

Once there was a man named Jim, who let his dog out to relieve himself late one night. He watched some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead! "Bad dog! BAD DOG!", said the panicked man. He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbour's porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt. It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put it's collar back on. Since it was so dark, he snuck into the neighbor's yard, and laid the cat down on the porch, in front of the door. The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside. "Hi," he said. "Hi," replied Jim, nervously. His neighbor said, "something weird happened last night." "Oh yeah? What's that," asked Jim, sweating now. "Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him, and this morning he was lying on my front porch!"

relieve oneself: 大小便

Anyway, Jim was a good neighbor.

Sylvia_scj

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

pair off: 成对而去, 分成一对一对

Poor Henry.

Sylvia_scj

Yeah, some of these humors are really not bad. But it's hard to find great humors continuously. So I would just put some which are not that good sometimes.

Sylvia_scj

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

rabbi: 拉比(犹太人的学者)

Bar Mitzvah: 是西伯来语, 指男孩开始承担宗教义务的仪式

I guess that religion is a complicated thing for us.

Sylvia_scj

I don't know what's wrong but I can't open the BBS easily and it's hard for me to add new content. It's kind of annoyed when I have to post the same articles again and again. I am not sure if it's only me in such a trouble, but I can use other webs easily.
Anyway, I decide to renew this thread when the problem solved.

Sylvia_scj

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.  
      "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
      "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.      
      "That's the one!"
      "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"   
      "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

repulsive: 令人厌恶的

double-breasted: 双排钮扣的, 对襟的

seeing-eye dog: 导盲犬

It seems that the clerk deserved the punishment.

Sylvia_scj

Since that I can't find more great humor stories, I think I should stop continuing the thread for now.
Wish all of you a lot of fun in learning English.