1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Get rid of your cat.

5. Sunday = TV Sports.

6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

7. You have too many shoes.

8. Crying is blackmail.

9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

12. Simple "yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

16. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

18. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

19. You have enough clothes.

20. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.